My journey was to go from being broken to being whole.

Broken, no other word really sums up the emotions behind infertility better than that. We feel broken in our bodies, broken in our hearts, and broken in our minds. In fact, we feel broken down in our souls. How can such an all-consuming desire be withheld from us? Infertility starts with a desire to conceive and carry a baby to term. When we find ourselves unable to do this, we feel broken. Why does infertility break us like this? How does it rob us of our peace of mind, our very sanity? We feel this deep need to have a baby in order to be whole and healed. We focus on becoming pregnant. We feel that if we could just become pregnant the pain would go away and we would be happy again. But is all the pain and feeling broken really about a baby? Our hearts yell out, “of course!”. The truth is far more complicated. To understand the truth we need to dig deeper into the pain and brokenness. This is very uncomfortable, like stripping the dirty bandage off a wound and getting it cleaned out so we can heal. In Julia Indichova’s book The Fertile Female, she asks the question, what does a baby mean to you? What emotional needs are you expecting to be met if you have a baby? What will a baby bring into your life? That question was one that I had to put several days of thought into. In order for me to answer that question, I envisioned having a baby and I wrote down all the feelings I thought I would experience. I realized that for me, having a baby would allow me to feel happiness again. It would allow me to love those close to me with an open heart. It would free me to chase dreams without fear of missing out on my one and only chance to have a baby. I felt a constant fear that any wrong move in a month would cause me to miss my chance to get pregnant. My days revolved around what time of the month it was and what current symptoms I was experiencing. I felt that because I wanted a baby so desperately I was hurting those close to me. I felt trapped by my own longing and pain. I felt that a baby could/would fix all of this. When I was able to put all of that into words, when I was able to lay all those expectations out on the table and sort through them, it occurred to me that I could do a lot of healing BEFORE I got pregnant. In fact, healing my heart so that I could more fully love was what I decided I most wanted to do. My journey was not so much one from infertility to fertility, it was from being broken to whole and happy. I felt that to be happy without a baby was to somehow betray the desire for a baby. For me to start healing my broken soul, I had to separate my desire for a baby from the hurt and trauma. I had to start healing myself so that I could be fertile, not just physically fertile, but fertile in my soul.

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